My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Someone signed my nipple.
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