Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
