He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
