yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
