hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
