i permit you to call me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize