Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
