sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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