Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
