So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
