we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
