Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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