Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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