shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
These tits shall not be calmed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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