remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
