you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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