i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
