I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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