So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He shit in the fireplace
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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