OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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