I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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