Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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