I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
