I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
