Pappa wants mamma naked
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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