I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
