Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize