Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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