i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
