Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
