his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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