i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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