i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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