There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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