Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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