I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
