ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
