I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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