you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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