guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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