Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
