can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Four minutes until I can fart!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
