You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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