I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
