if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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