if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this boner is exhausting
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
