Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
