Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
