if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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