Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
