He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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