Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They are going to name an STD after you.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
