the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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