my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
