So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
